On being married to an ENFP
Jul 31st, 2008 by Matt
A few comments on Julie’s personality type and where it differs (for better or worse) with my personality type. Because (my) language doesn’t always come through in text, these are meant to be humorous more than accusatory.
The Extrovert
The obvious difference between Julie and I is the introversion/extroversion difference. Julie got one point for introversion: writing (which to her, doesn’t count - it’s still communicating). I received zero points in extroversion.
On the negative side, Julie is constantly talking. Let’s be honest - she never shuts up. You would think talking at the brick wall of her introvert husband would get old, but it never seems to. Not only does she keep talking, she talks loudly. (While a worldly person, Julie’s one truly American tendency is to talk louder when people don’t understand or don’t immediately respond.) Julie has learned to start conversations with “did you hear me talking to … ” - because despite the fact that I’m in my office, at the other end of the house, with the door closed, I probably followed the conversation. In turn, I have learned that if I really want that quiet contemplation and concentration, I either need to leave the house or wear ear plugs. (For me, the noise is also the hardest thing about having children.)
The other point of conflict is likely emotion. To Julie, I don’t show enough (or even have enough). And NO, NO, NO, NO, I do NOT walk to “talk” about how I’m feeling. Especially if it’s something you just sprang on me that I haven’t yet had time to contemplate.
Another facet of Julie’s extroversion, and generally a positive one, is her drive to meet new people and get out to do things. It is entirely thanks to Julie that we know our neighbors and are friends with them. She is the social chair of ChezArtz and, though it takes some prodding, she manages to update the calendar so that I know what I’ve been signed up for this weekend, next weekend, and for the 12 weekends following. (Which would be the negative by the way - my Perceptive side sometimes struggles with the fact that I’m tied down to the things Julie has signed us up for.)
The Feeler
Feelers tend to decide based on personal, subjective values. Put simply, they decide with their hearts (as opposed to gut or is that the same?). At the more extreme end, the impact of decisions on people (and their subsequent emotions or feelings) are paramount with a strong desire for harmony.
The Mentor/Champion (The NF)
The combination of NF frequently leads toward individuals with personal charisma who are committed to people. They’re enthusiastic and focus on people’s strengths and potential. As such, they’re frequently seen as mentors and champions of others. They’re strong in getting work done through people and appreciative of others when things get accomplished.
Julie, the NF
I’m fortunate that Julie isn’t a strong Feeler. I think she has a lot of Thinker tendencies and that serves me well. (It also serves her well - she works with engineers.)
One word to describe the ENF: pushy (they would use “persuasive”). They have opinions, they’re enthusiastic about them, and they’re not afraid to share them. God help you if you’re not also enthusiastic and in line with the ’suggestion’.
We do periodically have conflicts about harmony and relationships. I’m not terribly concerned about the impact my not showing up to something might have on the host, nor on the perception of our family from outside. Having some casual acquaintance of Julie’s, who will have no ongoing relevance to my life but is important to hers, have an opportunity to meet me for an awkward and short conversation, is not adequate reason to get in the car and drive somewhere to attend something I’m not interested in. Continuing to tolerate a fool (that incompetency thing again) simply because you’ve known them for years or because you don’t want to hurt their feelings is absurd and trying to “improve” an idiot and bring them up is a waste of energy. (You can see where NTs get their reputation for being aloof and impersonal!)
On the positive side, I see a lot of the mentoring and personal champion side of Julie in her interactions with the kids. I think that’s why she’s such a strong advocate of the Attachment Parenting - it just seems to fit with her view of how to interact with and develop (people) children. NF is a great combination for a mother.
And of course, it’s nice to have someone caring, appreciative, and empathetic who loves me.
J/P Confusion
I mentioned the nuances of my Perceptive-ness in the last post. Julie is ostensibly also a Perceptive, but in quite different ways.
Julie and I both like order (a non-Perceptive trait). I like order in things. Julie likes order in people, events, and timelines. Julie is the consummate project planner and list maker. Can we check things off, what did we forget, what do we need next time? But her desk, bookshelf, and belongings are a mess. Things stuffed into drawers, things lost, every flat surface is a location on which to stack things, ironing is something that only happens if she would be seen as socially negligent for not doing so. On the other hand, I lose sight of details in plans (dates, locations, names, numbers) but freak out that the countertop is cluttered or that Julie’s been cooking again (what the hell happened to the kitchen!?!).
As mentioned above, Julie likes to schedule every free moment of her time (and frequently mine). Social events, volunteer programs, play groups, you name it - if she has a free moment, she’ll fill it. While this is stifling to me (you mean I have to schedule time to think?), after 10 years of marriage, it’s getting into a rhythm. She’s now got herself so overscheduled that I need only wait - I’ll find a time when she’s busy and I’m not. This isn’t necessarily a good thing for either of us though and will take some work to unwind. (BTW, if Julie volunteers for something in your presence, slap her. She doesn’t have time!)
And there you have it - the combination of an ENFP and an INTP in real life. Any questions?
The thing I love about Matt is that he is focused on the T(hinker) in his MB type that he can almost, almost, pretend he isn’t one of the more sensitive men that I know. It’s all shtick, just watch him with his daughter sometime.
*giggle @ Julie* We INTPs have our soft sides. I admit that.
I took a class after I finished law school and then quit my career after a couple of years because I wasn’t enjoying it, because I’m an INTP and I’m good at everything and I can’t decide what I want to commit to for the rest of my life (thank goodness I don’t have student loans to pay back!)…
Anyway, I took a class called Career & Life Planning, fully expecting to come out of it with a roadmap for my life. That didn’t happen. But I learned a lot about the MBTI and the different personality types. And one of the things we discussed was how they relate to one another in different situations. In the workplace is one thing, but living with someone, such as in a marriage, is completely different. Our instructor said that, in relationships, it’s generally best if you match in 2 or 3 of the categories, but not all four (and certainly not less than 2!). Your differences complement but they’re not so great that you can’t relate to one another.
I think this exchange of “Being married to an…” posts is a perfect illustration of how right my instructor was. Plus, it’s just fun to talk about.
-smarmoofus
You’ve hit Julie right on the button! But I think you shortchange yourself — you are correct in your assessment of your orderliness, and need for research before doing anything. But you have many qualities that introverts may not have such as a complete involvement with your family. You as a “somewhat” introvert and Julie as an “extreme” extrovert are good for each other. You both have complemented each other since your marriage and have both changed for the positive. I like both of you the way you are (even though Julie “tires me out” with her projects!) As an introvert and sort of “neat freak” I can sympathize with you. It’s interesting that Gabriel is so like you and Lily is so like Julie, it’s scary.